Thus Far the Lord has Helped Me

At the Ohio workshop, I was asked to share my testimony. What a joy to think back over the work of God in my heart. It seems appropriate on the Easter weekend to share with you all what is the immeasurable greatness of His power to me. (Eph. 1:19,20).

The moment of salvation is a supernatural act of God.

God delivers a soul from the domain of darkness and transfers it to the kingdom of His son. God removes a heart of stoney rebellion and replaces it with a heart of willing obedience. God opens the eyes of a blind person and he sees the beauty of Jesus.

For some people this moment is like being in a dark room when the lights are turned on. It is dramatic.

For other people, and many who are raised in a Christian home, this moment is not so dramatic. There is a moment of salvation when God does all these things, but the effects of the deliverance and heart change are not felt in a dramatic, immediate way. The significance of the rescue and the importance of the healing are not fully understood.

I like to think of it with this analogy.

There is a moment at an outdoor afternoon baseball game that will extend into the evening when someone flips the switch on the huge towers of light. No one in the stands notices. Eventually someone may happen to look up and comment that the lights are coming on. Later in the evening everyone will realize that the lights are on though in reality they’ve been “on” for at least a half of an hour, probably longer.

This is what salvation can be like for those who grow up in a Christian home filled with light. It can be difficult to pinpoint the moment God supernaturally turned on the light, though eventually it becomes clear that the light is on.

So for me,

I can not speak of a moment of first seeing - but I can speak of seeing light.

I can not talk of a dramatic rescue, but I can talk about the joy of living in God’s kingdom.

I don’t remember the moment my heart was changed, but I am well aware of a new heart inside of me.

I had the privilege of being raised in a Christian home to parents that loved Christ and His church. We were often in church worshiping and serving. All this makes it tricky to decide what to share when asked to share my testimony. For this post, I'd like to tell you of a moment along the way where I have looked up and noticed the lights were on.

After four years in seminary, Steve and I moved to Northern California for his first pastorate. We had three children.

And then . . . .

I am not sure what all led to the crisis of faith, but I know the moment I acknowledge something was wrong. I had been growing increasingly frustrated at things not going my way. My dreams were not reality. Hadn’t I been a good Christian pastor’s wife? Why wasn’t I happy?

All of life did not make sense anymore. I was tired of trying so hard to put the rubik's cube of my life back together. Trying so hard to keep life under control. I was so very tired.

Our family was visiting Steve’s parents at their home in San Diego. I woke up to have my quiet time (I was doing what I was supposed to do!) and the verse for the day was, “Thus far the Lord has helped us.” 1 Samuel 7:12. In a moment of self disclosure, I shut the book and threw it across the room with angry tears. I thought, “He’s not helping me!”

So began a three month struggle with God’s sovereign authority. I had to see some ugly things about myself. God had to uncover some fibrous falsehoods that had grown in my heart.

In highschool, my family had attended a large church that faithfully preached the bible and was very evangelistic. Meaning to or not, they put a great value on external behavior. There were things we didn’t do and things we did do. Because I didn’t do the things on the bad list and excelled at doing the things on the good list, I was praised.

I don't remember being encouraged to be thankful for a savor whose grace would transform me.

I don’t remember having it pointed out to me that this external behavior was the result of the grace of God in my life.

Instead the praise of men caused a seed of self righteousness to take deep root and grow. Unconsciously, I began to believe that I was somehow better than others, more disciplined, more committed and dedicated. I thought I was obeying, serving and loving God. But God who sees my heart knew that my worship of Him was mixed with a worship of self.

During this time, my view of God had become distorted as well. God seemed to be some kind of accounting formula. If I did A, B and C, then he would do D. I put myself through great mental turmoil trying to figure out if I had done A, B, and C well enough for fear that God would not come through on D. I also picked up the notion that God did D quicker and with greater joy if my A ,B, and C involved hardship and sacrifice on my part.

I realized that I had been viewing God as a just and reliable bookkeeper. If paid in, He would pay out. Fair and square.

Another way to see it was that I viewed God as a faithful and omniscient butler. He was there to serve me. And because He was God, and therefore omniscient and omnipotent, He knew my needs before I did and moved quickly to meet them. But I gave the orders. I had to acknowledge that I often thought I knew better than God how things should be done. The most appalling belief I held was that it would be much better if I was in charge of my children’s salvation!

Was God more than a bookkeeper or butler? Was he really Sovereign over all?

Without all the personal struggle I was going through, Steve had had his own “Copernican Revolution” regarding the sovereignty of God and the doctrines of grace. God used his preaching to convict and to teach me. He gave me great books to read. He prayed for me.

I remember the day I cried uncle. My mind had been convinced from scripture of God’s rightful sovereignty over everything. I had wrestled with God, and He won. I was by then very tired. I didn’t have the energy to keep fighting. So I stopped. But I wasn’t so happy about the new arrangement.

I was still a long way from a gentle and quiet heart, but like the horse that first has to be broken before he can be ridden, I was now in a place where I could hear God’s words of severe mercy and sweet grace.

God turned his searchlight on the thoughts and intents of my heart. Why was I trying to be a good Mom? Why was I reading my Bible? Why was I not doing what I didn’t do and doing what I did? Was it to glorify God? Or was it to glorify me?

The realization of the ugliness of my sin of pride made me ready to hear the truth about God’s grace.

With new eyes, God brought me to a courtroom and I heard the just sentence given me. I saw Jesus dying for me, bearing the wrath and curse of God for my rebellion, insurrection, ungratefulness and pride. And then He brought me to His palace and helped me see that my whole life had been a gift of His grace. His leading. His strength. I saw by contrast the ruin of my own little kingdom of control. The vanity of it all. Its futile end of anger, frustration, coldness, death. And I realized that God had opened my heart to see Him. Not as a formula that could be manipulated but the living and true sovereign God, creator of Heaven and Earth, Savior of my soul.

My heart softened.

I began to see the wisdom and love of God toward me. It really was life transforming.

I wept at the greatness of God’s grace and my foolishness to think I could have done or accomplished anything apart from His grace. The idol of self-righteousness was knocked down when the idol of self-sufficiency fell on it.

It is a terribly frightening experience to have God Almighty shatter your feeble idols. It hurts deeply to have Him peel off the layers of sin on your heart and expose it to His scrutiny. But it is the most wonderful experience I have ever begun.

Let me move forward several more years to 1998. A moving truck is coming the next day to take all of our belongings from California to Michigan where a church had called Steve to be their pastor. We’d been packing for weeks, all the while our three year old son had been in a full body cast from a broken femur. He had just gotten out of that cast into a leg cast a few days earlier. Steve was going to drive our car to Michigan with 2 of our sons, while I flew with a 18 month old baby, a boy in a cast and our 10 year old daughter who was repeatedly declaring that by moving we were destroying her life!

Life on the outside had a lot of unknowns. I was not in control. But I was at peace that passes understanding.

I woke up that morning for my quiet time. Lo and behold, the normal course of my reading had taken me to 1 Samuel 7, and I read these words, “Thus far the Lord has helped us.” I burst out in tears of JOY! What a difference the work of God had made in my heart the last 6 years! I was deeply aware of the kind and gracious help of the Lord. I was overcome with His patience and forbearance. I was humbled by His gentleness and love.

In a frantic rush I knew I needed to bring an Ebenezer Stone from California with us to Michigan. This was too important of a work of God in my heart to not have a remembrance of it.

A wonderfully accommodating group of men drove up to Mount Lassen and brought down a 500 pound lava stone. Our mover who was being paid by the pound was thrilled. In Michigan we had a plaque made and set into the stone that says, “Thus far the Lord has helped us.”

The stone has now moved from Michigan to West Chicago and from West Chicago to Georgia.

Everywhere we set it up it has been a reminder of the transforming work of God’s Grace in my heart.