Afraid of Pain

Several years ago, in a conversation with a child who will remain nameless, this child said something to this effect, "Why are you so angst about us experiencing pain?"

I am thankful that child had the courage to speak up - and had discernment to see a pattern I had not seen.

I didn't have an answer. The questions was lost in the rest of the conversation, but God kept it in my thoughts. And it went into my prayers.

I didn't need to ask the question, "Is this true of me?" It was.

The next questions were

"Why am I so afraid my children might experience pain?" and

"In what situations does my fear express itself?"

Eventually I got to questions like,

"What happens when I do this?" and

"How are others effected by my fear?" and

"What am I disbelieving about the character of God?"

The goal was to see what sin was at the root of this - and then what were the consequences.

Over time, God dealt with this issue.

Here is the confession I ended up writing (and sending to this child along with a request for forgiveness).

It's in my Prayers for Myself section - I still need reminders.

"I acknowledge the fear of having my children experience pain, conflict or woundedness has fueled my passion to control circumstances and situations, has made me respond in fearful anger to their foolish or sinful behaviors and has undermined my faith -and my children's confidence - in your wisdom and goodness. Putting my confidence in my ability to determine the outcome of anything is pitiful and offense against your character."

Then I found this promise:

"In the fear of the LORD one has strong confidence, and His children will have a refuge." Prov. 14:26

Journal Resource: Thoughts on Prayers for Myself